


Hurricane

by Ashiepants



Series: Head Over Feet [37]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: A little Walt Whitman, Depression, F/M, Family, Fluff, Head over feet, M/M, McBarba, Poetry, Romance, Sonny & Alex, a little nudity, established relationships - Freeform, gay relationships, mcrisi, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-07-14 21:22:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7190942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashiepants/pseuds/Ashiepants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Walt is not himself and Rafael is left wondering. Alex and Sonny take a break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You're the finest thing that I've done.  
The hurricane I'll never outrun  
I can wait around for the dust to still  
but I don't believe that it ever will. 

 

"C'mon counselor, up and at 'em!" Walt poked Rafael from sleep. 

Rafael groaned from the pillow and didn't turn his head towards Walt. Walt had a half smile as he sipped from his mug and watched him. 

Rafael finally turned all the way over. "Is that coffee?"

Walt nodded and surveyed his disheveled look. Despite his short hair it was still a mess. He had half a day’s stubble already on his jaw line, coupled with his nakedness; Walt couldn't take his eyes off of him. 

Rafael smirked when he realized Walt was watching him. "Take a picture, it lasts longer."

Walt shrugged. "You're like art."

Raf snorted. "That's a little too schmaltzy, even for you."

Walt grinned and climbed back in beside him. The sofa bed creaked mercilessly. 

"This is the worst bed of all time." Raf commented, stealing Walt's coffee. It wasn't the first time he complained about Walt's living arrangements. It was as if he lived to complain about the pull out bed exclusively. 

Walt kissed his cheek as he sipped the coffee. "I'm just glad you're here."

"Just trying to even it up, You always come to mine."

"Your place is nicer. You can say that."

Raf just smirked. 

"So week after next I have to go to DC."

"DC, huh?" Rafael turned his gaze on him. 

"Work stuff. But..." Walt started to grin but attempted to holster his excitement. "Well I mean I won't be working the whole time. And it's not super far...so...I thought...what do you think of coming with me."

"Going with you?" He let the cup sit in his lap. 

"Well I get there Wednesday night and come back Sunday night. But we're only scheduled for things Thursday and Friday. Saturday is like a free day. If...I mean if you can, i thought we could I dunno have a little trip to the capital."

Rafael continued to just stare, his mouth falling a little open. He took a breath. 

"Have you been?" Walt asked. 

Rafael nodded; he wasn't sure what to say. He swallowed and gave him an embarrassed smile. 

"You want me to come?" he asked while he nervously fidgeted with his fingers around the mug.

Walt smirked, but Raf turned to him with an almost stern look before he could comment, already well aware of his boyfriend's one track mind.

"Not THAT kind of come!" he chastised. "Do you think we're there?"

Walt groaned. "There? A day trip is not a marriage proposal. If you don't want to we don't have to--"

"I don't want to." 

Walt's face registered shock and a tiny bit of hurt, that Rafael immediately regretted.

"Oh," was all Walt could muster. He got back out of the bed and began hunting for clothes. He'd deluded himself.

"That's not what I meant..." Rafael struggled, getting out of bed himself. 

"Oh did you not mean 'no'?" Walt fired back. 

He sighed. 

Walt pulled clothes out of his drawers frantically, his back turned to Rafael. 

"Hey," Rafael came up behind him and touched his shoulders gently. Walt jumped. 

"It's just short notice and I don't want to move too quickly."

Walt sneered. "Like I said I just thought it might be fun."

"You're working. You should work." Raf tried to calm him. 

Walt slammed his drawer shut. "Ya know some of us think there's more to life than work!"

Rafael frowned. "I'm sorry."

"No you're not." Walt spat. 

Rafael sighed. "Walt I--"

"I said its fine. We don't have to go anywhere okay? Just forget it!"

Walt huffed into the bed and worked on tying his shoes. "I'm going to the gym. You want an escort to the metro?"

Rafael sat down beside him, still half undressed in boxers and an undershirt. He touched Walt's shoulder again. He turned, his sour expression changing back into his crooked smile. 

"What?"

"How about breakfast? I know a place..." Raf kissed his cheek. 

Walt rolled his eyes. "Run first?"

Rafael groaned. "It's 22 degrees outside."

"Is your excuse in the summer that it's 85?"

"Yes." Rafael smiled. 

Walt laughed and shoved him. "C’mon. It's good for you. Get your heart rate up, the park is beautiful."

"You gotta Whitman poem for frosty mornings?" Raf smirked as he got up hunting for pants. 

"Give me a few minutes." Walt stood and stretched his full height, hands nearly touching the low ceiling. 

Rafael watched, eying over his body. He swallowed. Walt somehow always made him breathless, like art. He felt himself pink. 

"I'll come up with something." He smirked over his shoulder with a wink.   
****  
"You sure the suburban is gonna make it to Niagara Falls?" Alex asked taking the keys from her mother. 

Rose shrugged. "Henry put new tires on it. She's still humming along I think you'll be fine. I can't believe you're taking my baby to Niagara Falls in the winter."

She examined Sonny with a narrowed eye. 

"It's cheap," Sonny smiled. 

"You're cheap!" Alex teased and shoved him. 

"It's gonna be a winter wonderland," Sonny mused. 

Both Alex and Rose rolled their eyes at his enthusiasm. 

"Long as you're the one driving us through this winter wonderland!"

"Wonderland?" Walt appeared at the kitchen door and snorted. "Someone fall down the rabbit hole?" 

He headed straight for the fridge and glared at its contents.

"There's my son. I thought you were hibernating." Rose joked. 

Walt didn't smile; just continue to look at the milk carton. His hair was disheveled and a real beard had begun to form. 

"Is lumberjack in this winter?" Sonny attempted scratching his own cheeks. "Maybe I should grow mine in."

"You'd look ridiculous!" Alex made a face. 

"Sonny is ridiculous," Walt muttered, keeping his eyes on the contents of the fridge. 

They all ignored his moodiness except Sonny who continued to look at him with slight concern, the corners of his lips down turned. 

"Well have fun you two!" Rose wiggled her eyebrows attempting to take focus off of Walt. "I know what ya do in the wintertime!"

Sonny choked, "Make sn-snowmen?"

Walt took a swig from the bottle of Coke in the fridge and finished with a burp. "Make babies!"

"Mom!" Alex yelled. 

Rose just shrugged. "Nate is getting too big, he's practically a man. And besides who knows how long your brother will stick around. You know the Marine Corp is just waiting to make him move and take him from me!"

"You got Walt," Alex smiled at her brother. 

Walt looked sour. "Yeah but I don't have a uterus. Go on go elope in your winter wonderland and have five kids; I'll just go live in my bubbe's basement."

He grabbed a bag of chips and the rest of the bottle of Coke and crawled back to his hovel. 

"Jesus!" Sonny exclaimed when Walt was out of ear shot. 

Alex and her mother exchanged looks. 

"How long has-?" Alex started.

Rose shook her head. "Just a few days, he went out on Wednesday."

"With Rafael?"

She looked skeptical. "With his friends, I think. He went to work."

Alex just nodded. 

Rose sighed but took a breath. She smiled and kissed Alex's cheek. "Don't worry about us. Go enjoy your vacation."

Sonny smirked at Alex, "what d'ya say? Should we hit the road?"

Alex kissed his cheek and nodded. "Just give me a minute, 'kay?"

The corner of his mouth turned up slightly and he nodded faintly. "Yeah, I'll let Rose show me some embarrassin' childhood pix!"

Rose laughed. "Oh I have a specially labeled box, c'mere."

Sonny followed her mom upstairs while Alex took the narrow staircase down into the basement. She rapped on the wood paneled wall. 

"Hey," she noticed her brother curled up on the couch with his snacks watching something on his laptop with no expression. 

He looked up at her and offered her a section of his bed. She sat down with a dangerous sounding creak. 

"What's up?"

"Aren't you supposed to be going on your special birthday trip with your husband?" His face was almost unreadable behind his beard. 

Alex rolled her eyes. "Sonny isn't my husband."

"Yet!" He corrected.

"What's up?" She repeated, ignoring him. 

"Nothing Al, I'm just tired. Commuting to Connecticut takes it out of me." 

She nodded. "So anything bothering you?"

"Like what? My sister playing nurse with me?" He glared. 

"C’mon!" She urged. "I care about you shithead!"

He smirked. "I know Lex, but I'm fine. I just need to be alone."

"What about Rafael?"

"We're not joined at the hip." He rolled his eyes. 

"Really? Coulda fooled me."

He sighed heavily. "I have a lot going on with work. I have to go to DC next week. He's gotta lot of cases pending. It's fine. Grown-ups work sometimes. It's actually better than with Mat, right? Mateo always wanted to tag along. That's annoying."

"Sure," she tried to decipher what he was going though. "Take it easy okay."

"Okay?" He scowled like a teenager. "Don't get pregnant. Or do, ya know, hold on to your man."

"Walt!" She shoved him.

"Oh c'mon, Sonny would do the right thing. That's what you want, right?"

"No!" She shook her head. "Maybe, I mean that's a huge step and I wouldn't trick him into it!"

Walt nodded sadly. "Yeah, good for you, Lex, you'll get what you deserve."

She eyed her brother cautiously. "Did something happen with Rafael?"

He was shaking his head and looking away before he even answered. "No, no nothing."

"Walt!"

"Nothing happened. We're fine. I'm just tired!" He insisted. 

"Great!" She bounced up with another creak. "Good Walt, I'm glad you're fine."

"I am!" 

She crossed her arms and stared at him. She wanted to say more but she knew she shouldn't. Their conversation would go nowhere. He would just end up feeling hurt and offended. 

"What do you think Dad would be doing right now?"

"Sewing an aortic tear." Alex answered automatically as if the information was readily available. 

Walt sat up. "He wouldn't be home?"

"He'd be at the VA." She added. 

Walt nodded. "He'd bring us pizzas home for dinner."

"Remind me and Sonny to go easy on the clutch."

Walt smirked. "That a euphemism?"

"He'd tell ya to invite 'dat guy, Raf. He eat pizza?'" She imitated with a grin. 

Walt's smile waivered. "I miss him."

"I know." Alex went over and hugged her brother. "He misses you too. If he has conscious thoughts, anyway. Not sure what the dead see and feel, probably nothing."

"Thanks for that." Walt made a sour face at her. 

"He's in the atmosphere now, right?" She added.

He sighed. "Maybe."

"That's what I like to think. I think he'd like that."

"Maybe," Walt repeated. 

"Hey Al, let's get a move on!" Sonny called from upstairs, breaking up their moment. Alex glanced up at the sound of his voice and chewed her lip. 

Walt groaned. "Go be happy."

"Walt--"

He forced a smile. "I'm not jealous. I'm very happy for you and Slim. Now go before I try to turn him."

She smirked and hugged him again. 

"Between you and me I think he's right on the cusp. He's like a two."

"A two?" Her eyebrows furrowed as she got up. 

"Kinsey scale."

She rolled her eyes. Walt stepped forward as if to make for the stairs. Sonny appeared at the bottom with a smirk. 

"Ya ready? I don't wanna hit traffic 'cause the roads are icy."

"She's all yours, Slim." Walt had retreated back to the corner of the couch. 

Sonny continued to smirk looking around the room awkwardly. His eyes rested on a book on his bedside table. Sonny approached the table and tapped the cover. 

"Not I nor anyone else can travel that road for you. You must travel by yourself. It is not far, it is within reach." He recited. 

Alex and Walt locked eyes for a second, matching green eyes wide. Both turned their stare on him. He puffed himself up. 

"It's from Song of Myself," he pointed again at the volume on the table: a worn copy of Leaves of Grass, small bits of paper sticking out and marking several pages, it had belonged to their father. 

Walt released a low whistle. "Well...Sonny Carisi...full of surprises."

Sonny's cheeks brightened as his dimples left deep creases in them. 

Alex walked over and hooked her arm with his. "Bye Walter. I love you."

He only rolled his eyes in response, "later Alexandra!"  
****  
Rafael looked at his phone for what felt like the 100th time. After a forced morning two days ago of running for Walt and brunch for Raf the pair had barely spoken. Walt called the afternoon before wondering if he should get another tattoo for his father. It wasn't out of the ordinary. A lot of their phone conversations centered around Walt chattering away on whatever was his latest obsession, from Oscar Isaac in the new Star Wars being "totes gay" to the crab dip his mom made being too delicious to pass up despite not being kosher. Rafael loved to listen to him happily rant adding the occasional chuckle or "uh huh." 

The conversation ended with Walt vowing to look through one of Ted's worn volumes of poetry for something that was meaningful to the elder McClure. There was nothing to suggest Rafael was in the dog house. Walt didn't seem upset or angry. In fact he signed off with 'later, baby.' It didn't keep Rafael from worrying now, when Walt failed to respond to a dinner request and a few missed calls. 

"You checking your Instagram?" Olivia smirked at him from across his desk. 

"What?" He asked in his normally brisk tone. 

"You're checking your phone like a teenager. What's wrong?"

He shook his head. "Nothing."

Liv raised her eyebrow. "Alright..."

Again, he glanced at his phone hoping to see a text from Walt, but he hadn't replied. He silently cursed himself for worrying '...about a boy.' He thought to himself. 

"So, the case?" Liv asked, staring at her colleague with interest. "Or is there something else you wanna talk about?"

He smirked at her. "So the girl is willing to take the stand?"

Liv took on the tough sympathetic look she wore on a daily basis. "It's going to be tough but..."

"Necessary," Rafael was still looking at his phone, opening his messages and reading the last one from Walt. "Listen, tell her to come in tomorrow I can began prepping--"

"Barba?" She broke in. "Rafael?"

"What?" He stared at her. She was smirking at him. 

"What has got you so tied up? Is this the boyfriend?"

Rafael felt himself blush. Olivia sat up straighter hoping to hear details. He admitted he was seeing someone and gave very little in the way of specifics. She'd waited patiently sensing he wasn't going to stop being private overnight. Still in light of her recent relationship she was happy for him. Of all people he deserved a little reprieve from his serious nature. 

"When do I get to see this elusive Walt? It is Walt, right?" She smiled. 

Rafael nodded affirmatively. He wanted to slither out of his seat. Being forthcoming about a significant other wasn't his strong suit. He grunted and coughed. 

"No pictures on your phone?" She teased.

Raf didn't answer. 

"Okay, I know you don't want to talk but if you do I'm all ears."

He sighed and nodded. She smirked again. 

"Well I'll talk to Chantal and-"

"Olivia." Rafael cut her off. 

Her smile deepened. "Yes?"

He shook his head with a laugh. "No never mind."

"I'm not going to judge you. You look a little lovesick is all?" 

His stubborn nature took hold once more. Rafael stood up without saying more and leaving his phone face down on the desk. Olivia sat back in her seat and rolled her eyes. She released an exasperated sigh. 

"What?" He shot out with much more aggression than he meant. 

"Nothing," she began to shake her head. "You just had this whole reveal over dating someone and now you don't wanna talk about it..."

"Maybe there's nothing to say." He flared his nostrils and sat back down. "He...Walt invited me on a trip and I said no, but only because he is working and...it feels too soon."

"Too soon?" She raised an eyebrow. "You've been seeing him since October?"

"November, maybe?"

"Okay so where does he wanna go? Paris?"

"DC." Raf's voice waivered, out loud this didn't sound like a big deal. 

"DC!" She repeated with a laugh in her voice. "Yes the romantic capital."

Rafael smirked. "He's in the army, he's there for work."

"Oh so you like a man in uniform."

He scowled at her with disapproval, his eyebrow rising to a dangerous position. 

"Sorry." She grimaced. "He just wants to spend time with you. Why not go?"

He groaned. "I don't know."

She sat up straighter. "You're afraid of something...not of Walt?"

"No..." He shook his head as he spoke attempting to make himself believe it. 

"You know you're allowed to find happiness, be in love. You don't have to suffer."

He lifted his head to stare at her. "Let's get back to work."

She threw one palm in the air and grinned. "Whatever you say, Counselor."  
****  
"Baby?" Long after Alex and Sonny left Rose rapped on the door to the basement as she headed down the steps. "Walt?"

"What?" He was curled in the corner of the pull out; bed still out and a mess. 

Rose frowned. "You want something to eat?"

"No." He didn't look up from his father's copy of Leaves of Grass. 

She went over anyway and sat on the edge of his messy bed. He glanced up but back down at the book. 

"Dad send you these perverted Whitman poems?" He almost sounded like he was laughing. 

She smirked. "Probably. Which one?"

"A Woman Waits for Me," he answered. "He marked this poem up. And he wrote Rosie next to 'I see that they are worthy of me, I will be the robust husband of those women.'"

She laughed. "That the one about 'draining my pent up rivers'?"

Walt nodded. 

"Yeah he liked that one a lot. He thought it was so feminist." She rolled her eyes. 

"It's pretty gay." Walt added. 

"Yeah I told him that. He clearly was talking about how he likes to fuck everyone."

Walt actually laughed this time. "Dad was such a nerd."

"Sensitive." Rose explained. "But I mean he was still a man. Of course he thought a poem about fucking was romantic. Whitman thought that was romantic!"

Walt chuckled again, still looking at the book, rereading the words and his father's notes. He traced his finger where Ted had underlined the word 'undissaudable.' Rose's face turned to concern once more. 

"Let's go see a movie."

Walt glanced up and squinted, as if looking for the sympathy on her face. 

"No thanks."

"Is this about Rafael?" She asked, lips forming a pained and somewhat embarrassed smile. She didn't like asking. She didn't want her children to think her nosy. 

Walt shut the book firmly with one hand. "No."

She sighed. "Baby what's the matter?"

"Nothing. Everything. You know how it goes!" He spat. 

She frowned. "Do you want to talk?"

He looked at her almost angrily, but he softened. The tears saturated his voice as he spoke, "Dad would've known what to say."

The words caught Rose off guard. "I'm sorry I can't be him."

"I know." He swallowed. "I just try to have these conversations with him. All the time."

She nodded. 

"All these stupid poems make me feel closer but then I get further and further away."

She nodded again, "I know baby. I miss him too."

Walt groaned and swiped at his tears. "I know, God! You probably-- I'm sorry mama."

Rose smiled. "None of you are ever too old to call me mama. Even tough guy does it."

"Henry is mush inside. He's the least tough of all of us!" Walt scoffed. 

She agreed. "Yeah I know. He thinks he's tough though. You're probably the toughest. You've endured more."

Walt frowned. 

"Come hang out with me." She begged. 

He sighed. "Give me a few minutes?"

"Okay," she got up and crossed the room to kiss his forehead. "This too shall pass."

Walt nodded, eyes closed, as she pulled away.   
****  
"So what's up with Walt?" Sonny asked, drumming on the wheel. 

Alex sighed. "Nothin'."

Sonny exhaled with a sound of annoyance. "C'mon you and ya ma knew something was going on? He depressed?"

Alex looked over at him with a raised eyebrow. 

He looked back at her when she didn't answer, but only taking his eyes from the road for a second. 

"What?"

"Nothin' you're just observant." She grinned. 

Sonny laughed. "I'm a detective and it was text book."

"Text book?" She smiled again. "You read a lot of the DSM?"

"Da DSM?"

"Psychological diagnosis manual. It's the bible for shrinks."

Sonny nodded. "No, but I read a lot. Is dat what's going on? With Walt?"

"Is he clinically depressed?" She affirmed. "I don't know if I should be talking about it."

"Why? I saw it."

"I know but...Walt is insecure about it."

"He medicated?"

She shrugged. "He hates when I ask about it. I assume he is but I mean it's not a cure-all."

"So you just let him hole up in his room?"

"No," she shook her head. "But I can't...Walt has to do it for himself. There isn't much we can do."

Sonny frowned and kept driving. "I'm sorry."

"He'll be okay." She frowned and reached out to turn up the volume on the radio. 

"You ever go on long road trips with your family?" Sonny asked to change the subject, turning the volume back down. 

She shrugged, "we drove down the shore to see Granddad, and when we lived in Texas it felt like everything was a long drive. There's nothing there."

"And it's not like dat in Long Island? Yeah, it's bustling!" He shot back sarcastically. 

She rolled her eyes. "What about the Carisis where do you drive to?"

"Philly, dat's where my dad's sisters live. One time-" Sonny laughed. "My cousin Guido, my Aunt Marie's kid, he came to stay with us over da summer--"

"You have a cousin named Guido?" Alex giggled. 

He rolled his eyes. "I bet all your cousins are Michael and Patrick!"

She laughed louder. "Alright you got me there!"

"His name is Giuseppe. Gweed when he's bein' a douchebag. Which is all da time!" He smirked. "Anyway he came to stay the summer because his mom couldn't handle him she thought my dad could straighten him out."

Sonny chuckled. 

Alex's eyes lit up, "what happened?"

"Well, now mind ya Gweed's like a year older than Theresa. He's like 14 dis summer. He made friends with a lowlife kids like 2 days in. Theresa begs him to take her with him to some party, she's 13! Party gets outta hand. Cops are called--"

"Your dad?!" Alex's mouth hung open. 

Sonny raised his eyebrows. "He packed us in dat car so fast! 'Guido,' he says, 'I'm taking ya to ya ma so she can beat ya and den I'm taking you to reform school!'"

He pointed with his right hand, mimicking his father reprimand, his left hand firmly on the wheel. 

"Did he really? Why'd he take you guys?"

Sonny shrugged. "To teach us a lesson? But yeah. My aunt Marie came out her house screaming at him, after we been in da car a coupla hours. She smacks him, gives my dad a hug and all of us a kiss. Den we drive another hour to drop Guido off at like a juvenile penitentiary. But uh...Gweed gave me my first cigarette as a parting gift."

"You were like 10!"

"I know. But I thought he was cool. I kept it for a long time. Smoked it when I thought I was all bad in 8th grade. Priest caught me."

"At church?"

"At school. I was tryin' ta be a rebel."

"So rebellious Sonny."

"I got into some worse trouble than smoking cigarettes but I found my way." He shook his head. "Guido though...he's got a coupla kids, he's never working. His little brother is a priest though, my cousin Anthony."

"What kind of trouble did Sonny Carisi possibly get into?!" Alex raised an eyebrow with a disbelieving laugh. 

"I was not always da upstanding man you see today." He answered. 

Alex silently giggled and watched him drive. Her sweet charming boyfriend wasn't a delinquent. She had a feeling 'bad boy' to Sonny meant not confessing to lusting after Aunt Becky on Sundays.

He paused letting Alex wonder a few minutes. "I sold drugs in high school."

"What?!" Her green eyes widened. "You did not! You're lying!"

He shook his head. "Nope I looked innocent and I went to Catholic school. Some guys I knew from church who went to the public school asked me if I wanted to make a few bucks...and I did."

"But...but you're so--"

"I know." He laughed. "I was mostly the go between. I'd get da money and give it to kids at school. Just weed. Didn't last long. Somebody got beat up bad because he stole from somebody else. And I got scared. I told my dad. He...ripped me a new one."

"I can't even imagine your dad yelling."

"Dat's cause ya haven't disappointed him yet." Sonny laughed bitterly. "I had to join the troubled boys group. We did community projects with the priests and nuns. Gave all the money I earned to da church too. It was good for me, changed me. All dose guys I was friends with...none of them are doing anything now; bunch of losers!"

Alex grinned and jostled his shoulder. "Not Sonny though. Sonny Carisi is gonna be a lawyer!"

He smirked. 

"I can't believe you never told me that!" 

"Well I'm not proud of it." He shrugged. 

"Yeah but...I mean that's...Sonny Carisi, full of surprises." The corner of her mouth lifted into a crooked smile. 

"I can't tell you everything at once, Al! We got years to fill!" He met her gaze, eyes shining.

"At least one of us is sure." Alex returned.   
****  
He sipped his drink and looked at his phone. 

"What are you up to?" He'd sent that hours ago and received nothing in reply. 

Rafael swallowed. Truthfully he knew this day would come. Call it low self-esteem, although that wasn't quite accurate. Rafael just didn't measure up to Walt and that's what drew him. He'd always enjoyed proving himself. That's where he thrived. He proved he was worth more than his neighborhood suggested. He proved he was good enough for Harvard, law, and the New York City district attorney's office. He'd talked his way into more places he hadn't belonged than he could count but when it came to love...

'Love,' he thought bitterly, the thing that had eluded him most of his life. That was something he didn't feel he could talk his way into but only out of. Yelena, John, and now Walt, they were all worthy of real love and he either wasn't reciprocated or he couldn't give it. Walt though was different. He came after Raf, chasing after him. He had to admit he enjoyed being chased after. Until now when it seemed he had been too elusive. 

No one had said 'I love you' of course. Rafael didn't even know if he could define the word. Was it concern and constant worry, like his mother? Was it fists and abandonment, like his father? Was it throwing parties and holding hands, the way he watched Carisi moon over Walt's sister? He felt like he was always looking for signs on Walt's face that told him the directions, but Walt was too smart and too complex to have it written in English, or even Spanish. It was in some ancient language he uncovered in college. 

Rafael finished his drink and signaled for a second. He didn't look at the folder he'd brought with him to the bar. He only stared at his phone wondering where Walt could be and more, if he had brought this on himself. The longer he sat, the more amber liquor absorbed into his bloodstream, the worse he began to feel. 

It was possible of course that Walt had taken his words about work to heart. Maybe Walt was deep into his work. Whatever was going on in DC was probably important and Rafael would have expected the same amount of respect shown towards his work. Yet, in the few short months he'd known him Walt had always been open and communicative. That alone struck his heart with fear. He could have anyone, why would he wait around for Rafael?

He picked up his phone and flipped through his contacts. He vaguely remembered Alex entering her phone number on New Year’s at the height of their tequila fueled evening. 

"Call me and we'll drink margaritas and talk shit about Walt." She told him with a devilish smile. He only laughed and clinked her glass before downing the 3rd or the 4th nail in his coffin for the night. 

He found her number again conspicuously labeled with a tiny cocktail emoji. He didn't even know he had emoji's installed. Maybe Alex had some insight. Anything would do to ease his anxiety. 

He lifted the phone to his ear and waited.   
****  
"So is this a sex vacation?" Alex asked wiggling her eyebrows at Sonny. He pushed the key into the lock and used his foot to push the door open. 

"No!" He turned and looked at her over his shoulder, annoyed with her teasing. "It's a break from family and work and school and-"

"Okay, baby, I get it. It's a nice surprise." She kissed him quick on the cheek before walking ahead of him to check out the cabin. 

It was small; two rooms split the space evenly, a bedroom and an open space with a living room on one side and a small kitchen on the other. It was filled with rustic, handmade wooden furniture that Alex smirked at. 

"It's like Paul Bunyon's house!" She walked into the bedroom, immediately groaning. 

"Sonny!"

He was right behind her with the bags. "What? Oh!"

In the middle of the only bedroom were two twin beds, so far apart they wouldn't be able to touch hands if they were lying on them. 

"Well this certainly isn't for romantic encounters." She groaned and pulled on Sonny's sleeve with impatience. 

"Maybe we can push them together." Sonny dropped the bags and stepped forward. 

"Maybe your mom got ahold of the reservation and downgraded us to the 'save it for marriage' package." Alex laughed. 

Sonny rolled his eyes at her. He leaned down to examine the furniture. "They're bolted to the wall!"

"Oh so they've seen some action before." She joked, eyebrows jumping. 

His dimples flexed as he grinned devilishly at her. "Oh well guess I'll have to fuck you over the kitchen counter then."

"Well you'd better!" She crossed the room, grabbing him around the waist and pulling him into a kiss. "We'll sleep bunk bed style. I'll just be directly on top of you."

Sonny yanked her down with him onto one of the beds. She giggled, tightening her grip on his shoulder. 

"It's just us--"

"In this frozen tundra!" She laughed again as he pouted his lips and caught hers. 

From the inside of her bag on the other side of the cabin the trilling buzz of her phone began to break through their giggles. Sonny groaned. 

"Seriously?"

Alex kissed him again, pulling from his embrace. "It's probably my mom making sure we didn't careen off into a ravine."

She retrieved her phone and stared at the screen at the unfamiliar number, eyebrows furrowing. 

"Not ya ma?"

"Yeah but it's a New York number." She chewed her lip and leaned in the doorframe. 

"Don't answer it. C'mere. I need a shower from the drive." He pulled his sweatshirt by the collar. 

"I dunno. What if...?" She decided as it rang for the last time. "Hello?"

Sonny's aggravated sigh reached the ears of the person on the other end. 

"Alex?" Rafael hesitated. "Is this a bad time?"

Sonny's blue eyes were like saucers staring at her and begging her to hang up. She gave him a hint of a smile but held up her finger. 

"Raf? Uhh...what's up?" Her eyes locked with Sonny's, eyebrows knitting. 

His face crinkled into a concerned frown. 

"I'm sorry to call you."

"It's fine. Is something wrong?" She sat on the plaid blanket that completed the woodsy lumberjack decor. 

There was no sound on the other end for several long seconds. Sonny had retreated to the bed and laid across it, taking his phone from his pocket and fiddling with it. Alex's nostrils flared watching him from the opposite bed. 

"Do...do you know where Walt is?" Rafael stumbled and hoped he sounded casual. 

Alex swallowed. "He was home when we got the car from my mom."

"When you...?" His confused tone made Alex feel guilty. 

"Sonny and I are in Niagara Falls for the weekend."

"It's gotta be 20 below up there."

Alex gazed in amusement at Sonny, aggressively tapping at his iPhone. "It is."

Rafael made a sputtering of impatience, "I'm sorry Alex. I just haven't heard from him in...in days."

"Days?" Her alarmed sounding response made Rafael cringe. 

"Did you fight about something?" She asked, cursing that Walt had probably lied to her. 

"No...not really." He struggled. "I just thought you might know what's going on."

"I don't," she answered with a decisive voice. 

"Oh." He sounded crestfallen. "I-- this is probably silly."

"It's not." She shook her head on her end. It wasn't her job to tell Raf about what Walt was going through, but it still made her feel guilty and uncomfortable. If there was a wire on her phone she'd be twisting it around her finger. She settled for her hair. 

"Listen, Walt is-- Walt needs--"

"Space?" His gruff voice answered. "So he told you about DC?"

"DC? No," she chewed her lip. "Be patient with him but...you should go see him."

Rafael's patience had worn. "Why?" He spat.

She sighed and began to ramble, "because he's stubborn. You probably know this--"

He cut her off, the alcohol bringing his anger to the surface. "Yeah, okay. You've told me all I need to know."

"What?" 

"Thank you Alex. I'm sorry for disturbing you."

"I promise you this won't last long. Maybe if you--"

"Right. Good night." 

The line went silent. Alex dropped the phone from her ear and frowned at the little box. 

"Ya done, Dr. Phil?" Sonny tossed his phone aside and stood up. His impatient smile bore down on her. 

She fluttered her eyelashes up at him, shoulders slumped. 

"Ah, c’mon!" He playfully jostled her shoulder. "I'm not that mad at ya."

She shrugged eyes downturned as she looked up at him. He frowned in return but kissed her forehead. 

"We're only gone 3 days. I wanna maximize my time with you."

She beamed, pulling him by the collar and pressing her lips firmly to his. He fell into their kiss opening his mouth to let her tongue slide inside. He leaned against the headboard made of knotty tree branches to give him leverage over her. 

She pulled away catching her breath and smiling broadly. "C’mon lets go get in that shower."

His eyebrows wiggled, hands heading straight for his belt. Alex lost all her layers letting them fall all the way to the bathroom. 

She glanced over her shoulder at Sonny with a look he recognized. She grinned coyly as she shed her final layer of clothing, letting her ass pop out suggestively as she pulled her panties to her ankles. He closed the gap between them and squeezed her naked butt. 

"So twin beds but a total sex shower!" Sonny grinned at the large walk in with multiple shower heads. He pressed his body to her back and rested his chin on her shoulder. She turned to look at his face his eyes were shining as they took in her body and imagined it in a myriad of ways inside that shower. His hand stayed on her backside as he stepped ahead of her and turned on the hot water. 

"Oh and a detachable one!" Alex noticing as her eyes followed his body. "Those are good for-"

"I know what they're good for!" He winked. 

"Hard to reach spots!" She corrected. "I don't know what dirty little-"

Sonny kissed her to shut her up. The steam had already filled the small space. She returned his fervor, arms wrapping around his waist, fingers twisting in the fabric of his underwear. She wrenched them down finally, Sonny helped by wiggling them loose of his long legs. Together they stumbled into the heat filled stall. 

"Oh my god, it feels so good." She tossed her head back under the warm spray. 

"Yeah babe?" Sonny grabbed her hips his cock grazing her belly button. "I know something else that feels good."

"Dork." She slapped his chest. "Enjoy the hot water!"

"Ima enjoy the hot girl."

Alex giggled at his lame retort as he grabbed her tight under the steaming water.   
****  
Alex lied wide awake. She couldn't get her brother off her mind. After Rafael had called it flipped the 'worry about Walt' switch. She sighed and wiggled out of sonny's arms. She frowned at her sleeping boyfriend. All he wanted was a weekend with her alone: no hospital or special victims or family intruding on their alone time and she could barely give him that. She couldn't stop thinking about being 6 hours away from her brother, 6 hours to drive if something awful happened. It was like he was in Iraq or Egypt or Syria, anywhere she couldn't immediately get to and know about his safety. 

She padded across the room softly towards her phone plugged in on the counter. Sonny turned and groaned in his sleep. She smiled briefly at him. She wanted to go crawl back into his arms but she needed to check her phone. 

Walt still hadn't responded. She asked him to call her after Rafael called her. Her mom had, claiming Walt was fine but sleeping and he promised to make an appointment tomorrow. 

'If he makes it tomorrow he won't see a doctor for 2 weeks and the VA is awful!" Alex responded to her mother. 'Go to the ER, they can at least get him seen tomorrow."

She sighed, taking her phone off the charger and retreating to the couch. Rafael hadn't called again and Alex felt bad. He didn't know what was going on and he deserved to. 

"Ey!" Sonny was awake and stumbling towards her with the blanket draped over his shoulders. 

"Go to bed Son." Alex shooed. 

"Not without my girl." He grinned and plopped down beside her. "What are you doing?"

She sighed and turned her phone face down. "Nothing."

"Nothing huh?" He raised an eyebrow. "Is nothing named Walt?"

She grimaced. 

Sonny sighed. "Al you said he had to take care of himself. You said he was going to be fine."

"He is going to be fi-"

"Then get off your phone and come sleep with me!" He yelled suddenly. 

Her phone beeped in reply from her mother. Sonny just stared at her, daring her to look at the message. 

"Sonny, I can't stop caring!" She argued. 

"You don't have to stop caring, but there is nothing you can do. He's depressed or whatever. What are you going to do from here?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "I don't know."

"Right." He nodded. "Please baby. I know you're worried but...we only have a few days. I really wanted this to be special."

"I'm sorry Sonny." She frowned. 

"We don't have to have sex or...or anything." He replied sounding wounded.

He shook his head. "its fine Al I just...I just wanna be with you."

She pushed his curls away from his face. "I know."

A hint of a smile made his dimples appear for a second. "So, bed?"

Alex was looking at her phone and typed out a quick reply to her mother. She held the button and swiped across, the screen going black. She left her phone on the pine table and stood up. Sonny grinned wider and followed her back to the bedroom.   
****  
Rafael didn't hesitate at the door. He pounded his fist against the window with force.

"Walter, dios mio, you'd better open this door!" His lip curled and he leaned against the frame. 

The curtain over the small window was pulled aside after a few moments and Walt's scruffy face appeared for a second staring at his equally disheveled boyfriend. There was a click as he unlocked the deadbolt and let him in. Rafael swayed under his intoxication but glared at Walt. He hadn't expected to see him in this state. Walt was wearing clothes he'd clearly worn for a few days and his hair was dirty. The basement bedroom was even darker than it normally was. Rafael narrowed his eyes trying to determine Walt's sin by staring. 

Walt shut the door and descended the few steps back down. He looked away from him and chewed his lip. He hadn't known what to say so he pretended he didn't see Rafael's texts and missed phone calls. As the days wore on he thought he might be mad at him for not responding so it became increasingly harder to text back. 

"Ok if this is it then just say so!" Rafael yelled, flapping his arms. 

"What it?" Walt crossed his. 

His jaw set as he glared him from across the room. His skin was red and beads of sweat were appearing near his hairline. "You need to be a big boy and break up with me, niño!"

Walt's arms dropped, shoulders slumped. "Break up?"

Rafael began to pace, unaffected by the melancholy hanging over Walt. "C'mon, c'mon dime! ¿Quíen es? Does he have a big dick? Tengo derecho a saber!"

"¿Él quien? What are you talking about?" Walt fired back, trying to keep pace with Raf. 

"Walter, no soy estupido! You avoid me for 3 days! Fuck you!" He pointed, little drops of spittle sputtering from his lips. 

A small laugh escaped Walt's mouth. He quickly covered his mouth as Rafael turned on him with wide, wild angry eyes. 

"Lo siento, mi amor." Walt bowed his head a little bit. "You think I slept with someone? Who?"

"You tell me! Another soldier? Mateo?!" Rafael listed, holding his hand out as he did. His chest heaved. 

Walt squeezed his eyes shut and crossed his arms across himself once more. He could feel the breath hitching in his throat. "You're wrong."

Raf didn't let up, "oh really?! Then what's your problem."

Walt took a deep breath and bellowed, "I DON'T KNOW OKAY!"

Rafael stopped moving and dropped his accusing hand. He stared at him dumbfounded at his sudden outburst. There was silence for a few moments as they squared off. 

Footsteps up above turned into a clamoring at the basement door that led into the house. 

"Walter?" Rose's concerned voice carried announcing her as she came down the staircase. 

"Oh," she registered surprise as her eyes fell upon Rafael. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine Mom." Walt nodded to her. 

"Okay," she smiled weakly. She didn't say more as she ascended the stairs back into the house. 

Rafael's eyes followed her up the stairs and Walt sighed loudly. He crossed the room passing Raf and sat on his creaky pull out bed. He ran his hands over his scruffy face and steeled himself. 

Rafael turned and watched him. He released some of the aggression and his heart softened at the sight of him. He didn't look like a guilty, vindictive playboy that Raf had built up in his mind on the way over here. He looked worn and vulnerable. 

Softer and with no tightness in his voice Rafael reached out. "What's going on?"

Walt sighed and swallowed. His green eyes widened behind his dark lashes. "I'm...I'm really depressed."

Rafael's eyebrows knitted. He shrugged. "Is this because of me?"

Walt sighed again, looking up briefly and giving him a small negative shake of his head. "It started in high school but it was mild, I wasn't medicated until...after my dad died but it- it's hard to stay medicated when you're deployed so--"

"You have depression? That's this big secret?" Rafael cut him off, his inebriation making his question come out bold and flat. 

Walt looked up and glared, lip curling dangerously. "Oh I'm sorry it's not shocking enough for you!"

"It's not that!" He shot back stepping forward but stopped and again softened before he continued. "But...Walt why do you think you need to be ashamed of that?"

"Because..." He turned away. "Because it makes me do this! I know I'm horrible alright, you don't have to remind me."

"You're not horrible." Rafael affirmed. "You actually..." 

He swallowed and composed himself, all his thoughts from the last few days hitting him at once. He coughed, and unconsciously grabbed his own neck. "You're actually quite wonderful when you're yourself."

"That's it! This is myself. This is me." Walt breathed hard. "Being a flirt or easygoing is the same guy that won't leave his room for 3 days. They're all me."

"Multitudes?" Rafael smirked, his signature demeanor snaking its way back into his voice. 

Walt looked up with a surprised but genuine smile. 

"You're not the only one who can read Walt Whitman." He added. 

Walt pinked and turned away. Rafael stepped closer. He sat down beside Walt. 

"Are you impressed?" He asked, touching his hand. 

Walt shook his head and sniffed. He chewed his lip, still trying articulate himself. 

"Are you crying?" The concern dripped out over the waning anger. 

Walt didn't answer. He didn't look at him directly, still lost in his own thoughts. "My...my dad would've liked you."

Raf smiled and wrapped one arm around his waist to squeeze him. "Because I read the most famous Walt Whitman poem of all time?"

"You're a smart ass." Walt rolled his eyes. 

"Isn't that what you like?" He replied, eyes twinkling. 

"Uh huh," Walt nodded. 

Rafael turned Walt's cheek and kissed him on the lips. 

"I worry a lot." Walt pulled away to add. 

"So do I." Rafael kissed him again. 

"I disappear."

"I'll find you; just leave me the forwarding address." He smirked, laying another kiss on him. 

"I'm never going to not be this way." Walt frowned. 

"We'll manage." Rafael sealed. 

Walt made a noise of annoyance and wrenched himself from Rafael's embrace. Rafael continued to smile. 

"Stop it!" Walt yelled. "It's not going to be cured by being 'in love' and you're drunk!"

Rafael looked grave a second, his smirk flattening into a thin line. He crossed his arms as he thought. Walter was correct; he was drunk but not so drunk that he was unaware, just drunk enough to be honest. 

"It's not. I know that." He agreed. "But I also...know that I'm in love with you..."

"What?" Walt's green eyes widened. 

"I love you. I'm in love with you." He repeated. 

Walt swallowed but grinned. He closed the gap once more and leaned in to kiss him passionately. Rafael uncrossed his arms and held him at the waist. 

"I love you too," Walt murmured. 

Rafael couldn't contain his grin as they fell into each other on the bed. Walt laughed as Raf stroked his bristly cheeks. 

"I need to shave." He giggled. 

Rafael may have whispered a no. He just stared at him. He could still make out the freckles dotting his cheeks and the small details of his pink lips, like they'd been painted. He gripped Walt's neck but studied him; this beautiful man, like a poem. He felt himself blush under the influence of something he probably hadn't drunk that night. Walt grinned back curiously, warmth radiating through his limbs that he hadn't felt all week. He didn't speak but his eyes asked what Rafael was thinking. 

"I'd like you to meet my mother." Rafael responded.


	2. Doctor and Missus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a one-shot continuation of Sonny and Al in Niagara Falls being silly and cute together and alone for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to crackasmileonyourface on tumblr for a suggestion of Sonny and Alex cuddling in front of a fire with maple candy. I took it literally.

"Do you realize we haven't spoken to anybody but each other for the last 24 hours?" Sonny lifted his head from where he was resting it in Alex's lap in front of the fire they built for the night. 

She smiled down at him stroking his cheek. "What about the guy at the visitors center?"

He smirked. "Dat wasn't us, dat was Bernard and Emily Von Mark"

Earlier in the day they traveled to the Niagara Falls visitors center in the freezing weather hoping to find a map they could follow to see the falls. All they found was a nearly deserted station and a news stand with last week's papers and maple candy. It was Sonny's idea to have secret identities. It seemed to entertain the elderly gentleman that sold them candy. He threw in USA Today for free. 

"Ah doctore," Alex over pronounced in a ridiculous fake French accent. "Et ez onlee de pair of us, qui?"

"Sí signora," Sonny replied with an equally offensive Italian one. 

"Why are the Von Mark's French and Italian?" Alex giggled breaking character. 

"Doctor and missus Von Mark are worldly." Sonny explained. "Dey met during the Cold War."

"So we're in at least our forties?" Alex couldn't help laughing at him. 

Sonny pouted and sat up, "don't ruin da game!"

She laughed again and covered her mouth. "Sorry. Continue. Tell me more."

Sonny crossed his arms. "Well...uh..."

"What kinda doctor is he?" she asked stretching her arms and reaching for the tray of sticky sweet treats. 

"Neurosurgeon," Sonny answered immediately. He'd clearly imagined quite a bit about the doctor and missus. 

Alex rolled her eyes. "Neuro are a bunch of dicks!"

"Al!" Sonny argued, his mind immediately leaping to conclusions about what happened to make her think they were dicks. Perhaps sleeping with one. 

"No way Emily married a neuro guy," she continued, getting into the game. "He's an anesthesiologist! He knows how to keep you right above death." 

She made a measure with her fingers to illustrate and then made a slicing motion across her throat. 

Sonny laughed at her antics, forgetting his momentary insecurity. "Anesthesia? Dat's not sexy!"

"Oh but my 'usband iz veryy sexxy!" she sidled over to him on the sofa. 

Sonny grinned stupidly watching her wiggle her shoulders at him suggestively and speaking in that ridiculous tone. She was every bit goofy and absolutely sexy in that moment. 

"I love you," he replied with a dazed expression. He felt like he needed to catch his breath. 

Her face broke into a sudden grin, "et I luvre vu, too!"

Alex laughed at herself, cheeks straining from her wide smile. 

"No, not Emily. Alex. I love Alex," Sonny repeated, his crystal blue eyes meeting hers. He could see the flames dancing in her green ones.

She crawled closer and draped her arms around his neck. 

"I love Sonny," she murmured before kissing him fully, pressing her body to his. 

Sonny roped his arms around her waist and pulled her into his lap as he continued kissing her deeply. She chuckled as she pulled away to catch her breath. They stared at each other a moment and Sonny felt his heart thumping into hers through what seemed thin walls of skin and bone. 

"Can I make love to you?" he asked. 

A blush bloomed across her face and she bit her lip. "Can I have sex with Sonny and not Bernard?"

"Damn!" he cursed. "I was hoping I could bone this hot French chick!"

Alex smacked his chest as he tackled her onto the rustic furniture.

**Author's Note:**

> references to section 46 of Song of Myself by Walt Whitman, A Woman Waits for Me, Walt Whitman. Song lyrics Hurricane, by The Hush Sound.


End file.
